Where Did the Butterflies Go?

When I was young and had something a little stressful to do – like a test, performance, or even the start of a new school year – I would feel sick in the stomach and just a little ‘jumpy’ all over. My parents referred to this as having ‘butterflies’, which suited the feeling perfectly.

Sometimes the butterflies were just gently flying around in my stomach, and sometimes it felt like there was a butterfly rave going on, but I knew they would quieten down once the anticipated event had happened. There was nothing condemning about it. I actually found it kind of comforting to think of nerves this way as butterflies are gentle, ethereal, and definitely not threatening.

As I got older, I started referring to this feeling of anticipation as feeling ‘nervous’. This felt like a more ‘adult’ way of talking about it and, of course, I was doing more ‘adulting’ things like starting new jobs, life-changing exams, and learning to drive.

These days, I don’t hear people refer to having the butterflies, or being nervous about an upcoming event. They say things like ‘I’m anxious’ or ‘my anxiety is here’. I find myself uncomfortable with this general change in language as it comes from the mental illness paradigm.

Now, let me say first that I am so grateful that our society can talk about mental illness more openly than even 15 years ago.We need discussion and openness to reduce the misunderstanding and stigma around mental illness. I am, however, concerned about the generalization of mental health terms in society, especially for our children. It’s almost feels like children now feel they need to have a diagnosis to ‘fit in’ and explain how they are feeling.

There’s a greater discussion around whether the increase in mental illness (and other conditions) is the due to an actual increase in that illness, or simply an improvement in our ability to diagnose it, or over-diagnose. But, I’m not going to dive into that one now!

What I’d like to do is invite you to become aware of how you, and your children, talk about things. Our language is a HUGE contributor to our wellness. Our brains ARE ALWAYS LISTENING. When you use the word ‘anxiety’ rather than ‘butterflies’, how do you feel? Are you using a description that is too big for what you are feeling and thereby amplifying your experience.

I know some people will think this is gaslighting but it isn’t. It’s keeping things in perspective. As someone who has experienced deep depression, I get worried when I hear children saying they’re depressed because they didn’t get their assignment in on time, or because they can’t go to a party, etc. This isn’t depression. It’s regret, or disappointment – which are not mental illnesses. They are emotional states that can be worked through.

We all need attention, and we all embellish things at times, but I feel it’s more than that. And our way of consuming content – news, social media, etc – relies on bigger, louder, more dramatic. More ‘hooks’ to get your attention. We have to become, and remain, vigilant about how that is infringing on our lives and health.

Another aspect of this issue is that when you say ‘my anxiety’, you personalize it. It becomes part of you. I feel that this makes it more difficult to overcome because it has become part of your personality. I was at a café once when I became aware of the conversation of the older gentlemen behind me. They had asked one of the guys how his health was going and he started talking about his cancer journey. What struck me was how many times he referred to ‘MY cancer’. He had a very positive attitude however he talked about the cancer as if it were an old friend. It wasn’t ‘THE cancer’, it was ‘MY cancer’. A part of him – like ‘MY leg’ or ‘MY heart’. So, my question is, if something is a part of you, doesn’t that make it harder to let go of?

And just a little thought before I go, the difference between feeling nervous or feeling excited is ATTITUDE.

Worried about an upcoming event = Nervous

Looking forward to an upcoming event = Excitement

Same butterflies – Different Attitude